So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
