so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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