All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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