dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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