Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
