She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
