Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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