This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
