Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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