New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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