saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
