Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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