but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
