The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
