i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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