Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
