Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
