I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
