we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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