Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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