Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
