quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
