if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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