i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
