I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
