Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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