now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
