alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
