census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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