apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
