The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
