I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize