Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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