the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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