Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
