I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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