i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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