The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
