I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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