When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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