I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
