You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
