We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
