One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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