I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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