Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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