When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize