dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
