Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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