My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
