If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
