I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize