i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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