I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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