Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If that was your dad, he is hot
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
