Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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