I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you never un-have a 4some
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
