we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
