can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
