i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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